On our way out yesterday we met one of our neighbours, Mary, who was just returning from a local shop. A cheerful and lively lady who often stopped for a friendly chat. However, this time we noted that she stopped by a wall, and leaned on it for support. She said, “I just needed a breather!” She started a little chat as normal, but we couldn’t help noticing she looked particularly weary. We looked at each other, ‘I wonder if anybody is caring for the caregiver? we both thought.

Mary has been a carer for her husband for the past couple of years following his stroke. Recently his health has deteriorated further and he was recently diagnosed as having Alzheimer’s. She now finds she has to spend far more time and give more attention to his needs.

Mary’s husband Ted is 89, she is 79, so understandably she feels the strain. She is a lady who is very capable. She has been coping really well with her situation, even maintaining her lively sense of humour. However we have felt on many occasions that she attempts to come over more cheery than she really is. You see, Mary doesn’t like to complain. However the occasional time she’s moaned a little, she’s apologised, saying, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t complain”.

Recognising a need

We though, recognise her need to unload. We assured her that it is in fact necessary for her own well-being and that we are here for her. Like many caregivers she gives wholeheartedly to her partner of many years. We’re sure that probably she gives little thought to the need for “Caring for the caregiver”. The concerns we have had is that she often appears to be strong and independent and we know she doesn’t like to trouble anyone.

Anyway, back to our little chat yesterday. As we said, she looked extra weary as though it was all getting too much. , “The care support team have advised me to have a break while Ted has some respite care in one of the local care homes”. She said. We remembered we suggested this to her before, but she was reluctant to even consider it. We know some may have guilt feelings about doing this. Maybe Mary did too, as she never took up the suggestion.

Yesterday, however, we could see she was at the point where she was not going to argue with herself about it, or talk herself out of it this time. It was obvious that even though she’d made the decision she was still struggling with guilt feelings. One of the main reasons for caregiver’s guilt feelings in this situation is that they feel they are abandoning those they care for. That they are putting themselves first. This can be especially difficult if they convey this to the loved one somehow.

Caring for the caregiver – why it matters

It’s not always easy (or necessary) to take a long break. A stay near a peaceful scene like the one I photographed above might be wonderful but there are other options. Even a day off away from the responsibilities and stress can act as a tonic!

We assured Mary that taking a short break will not only benefit her but also Ted. The consequences of not taking a break could impact her health and her being able to care for Ted. As caregivers are always giving, it can seem alien or even wrong for them to acknowledge what they need. The saying, “Caring for the caregiver”, (“Caring for the Carer” in the UK), is vital to take on board if you are going to prevent burnout.

Being reminded of this is helping Mary, and though feelings of guilt may not be entirely gone, she is coping with it much better knowing Ted will also ultimately benefit if she is healthier and happier.

Does ‘caring for the caregiver’ work?

So what happened? Mary arranged to spend a few days with her sister. Ted was happy to take a short ‘holiday’ in a local care home. Many care and residential homes have the facility to welcome short term ‘respite’ residents. As it happens both Mary and Ted really benefitted from their breaks. Marys’s sister enjoyed pampering her for a few days and was happy to see her relax a little. Ted felt that he was having a holiday, and the change in routine appeared not to worry him.

When we made one of our regular calls a few days later we could sense the difference. Mary was back to her usual cheery self and greeted us with hugs. As for Ted, he happily joined in when we started our trademark, session and as often happened, remembered many of the words

Have you had a similar experience? How did it work out for you? We would love to see your comments below, and they could well help others;